And So It Begins...

Have you ever woken up one day and realized that you're not the person you want to be?

That's kind of what's happened to me, though not exactly like that. 

It wasn't quite so dramatic, although I'll admit the realization was a bit upsetting. 

It was kind of a slow realization process I suppose, leading up to me having this moment where I realized that I needed to change. 

Not for my boyfriend, or my mother, or my friends, but for me. 

I just wasn't happy with myself, but I didn't know where to go from there.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I hate myself or anything. 

I don't hate my personality, though I'd like to be a little more social and a little less shy. 

I don't hate my body, though I'd like to be stronger and more fit than I am now. 

It was more that I was disappointed in my actions, or lack thereof, mainly in my art but also in a few other areas. 

I don't create enough, which ends up making me really sad. 

I can always tell when I haven't been doing enough, which is most of the time to be honest, because whenever I read art and crafting blogs or see the work of other artist, I get really depressed. Sometimes I've just wanted to cry over how I don't do this and I don't do that, and I have no motivation and so on and so on... 

Not exactly my best moments of thought. 

Last night was very much like this, only this time I felt like I just wasn't happy with how I was, plain and simple. 

I was starting to freak out a little when my boyfriend called me, wonderful as he is, and I talked to him about it. He could tell that I was upset, but encouraged me to do whatever I felt like I needed to do. 

Baby steps, he said, as he's often told me before. The changes I want to make won't happen overnight, and I know I'm going to have to work for myself if I want to succeed and really make myself happy. 

I know it's a lot of rambling here, but I just wanted to document this for myself. 

It's hard to put into words the things that I want to accomplish, and maybe I'll find them along the way.

I hope this isn't too crazy for anyone to read, if anyone does read it that is :)